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|How's my book so far? [Opinions&Criticism, please!]?|
Hi there(: I've started a book and I'd love your opinions and criticism. (: Thanks.
The gray cement school sidewalk blurs as tears sting my eyes and drop from my cheeks. I feel my cheek burning and I don’t have to look in a mirror to know it’s quickly growing a dark crimson red. Stifling a sob, I quickly turn my face and hastily wipe the tears around my eyes with the backs of my hands. Suddenly, arms are awkwardly tangling themselves around my small, petite body. I flinch and then I hear him speaking softly into my ear, “I’m sorry, Elle. Now, don’t look at the group of people over there, just close your eyes and pretend I’m calming you down or something...”
I roll my eyes, but obey with a sigh. We stand there awkwardly for a few more seconds before I push him away from me, picking up my bag, and then I dash down the sidewalk. I didn’t care where I was going, just as long as I was far away possible from that abusive psycho-path. I distinctly heard my boyfriend yell something at me from far away, but I was already crossing the road to Dan’s house.
Dan John Merrick is my best friend. He’s not who you’d call the hottest guy in the world, but a very cute guy. He’s got shiny, styled light brown hair that ends just above his jaw line. He’d just got it done for his girlfriend, Emily, who just happens to be captain of the cheerleading squad. Although he’s not any sports team’s captain, he’s pretty popular, amongst the girls. But we’ve been friends since long before I remember, and he was a total dork, believe me. He’s got contacts now, but when he was in 4th grade, he wasn’t as popular as he is now. He had the short cut like a gentleman’s hair style, nicely put to the right, and he wore polo shirts with ties, and nice black pants. Far from the T-shirts and skinny jeans he wears now for the girls.
As for me, I’m Gabrielle Lee Marshall. But call me Elle. I’m a smart, small, and geeky teenager. I wear clear contacts in my pretty lime green eyes and you’ll usually see clips holding back my layered bangs in my long, slightly-layered dark brown hair. I’m usually seen wearing a nice T-shirt, some worn out jeans, and my favorite old, dirty converse shoes. I’m pretty small for my age, which is sixteen almost seventeen, so I can pass as a little twelve year old, which is useful for paying less to get into most restaurants and amusement parks.
I swing open the front door, using the key I stole from Dan, and make my way to the kitchen, where I can hear familiar voices. I enter and find Dan making him two sandwiches. On the other side of the room, at the end of the long, tall kitchen table sits Lily.
Lily Mae Winters is my other best friend. She’s almost exactly like me, with the same small, fragile, lithe bodies, but she’s much more beautiful. She’s got huge pretty ice blue eyes on her heart-shaped pimple and acne free face, with long, shiny ebony black hair flowing in curls around it. She loves the color black, and that’s basically all she’ll wear. What she usually wears every day is a dark pretty V-cut T-shirt, some black skinny jeans, and gray converse shoes. Lily’s a really loving person. She’s friends with almost everyone, and gives more hugs than the normal person should give every day. She basically has two sides. One side is a caring, loving, graceful Lily. This side, she’s a great listener and gives out great advice. The other side is fierce. Lily can be ruthless, fierce, a fighter, and extremely mysterious if the time comes to bring out that side of her. She took fighting classes from ages 5 to 12. But no one really knows anything else of her history.
Lily cut off of her sentence when she noticed me walk into the room. She gave a little squeak of surprise and threw herself at me. I staggered at the weight of her on me, squeezing the life out of me. Then something even heavier hit us on the side, the force knocking me to the ground, with Lily still clung to me. Then we were all on Dan’s kitchen floor, laughing.
“Lily, I just saw you this afternoon at school!” I managed to say through all the laughter.
“Yeah, but not me!” Dan said dramatically, heaving himself off of them.
I giggled and looked at Lily. She was wearing her usual dark shirt and skinny jeans, but was wearing no shoes, only awesome bright socks. She had her hair up in a high ponytail with the usual clips on her growing bangs and her bright lime eyes were shining.
Dan, on the other hand, was wearing his light blue bunny pajamas. He had matching fuzzy slippers and around his neck was a thick, warm scarf. I remember that was a Christmas present 6 years ago from his parents. I smiled at the thought. All of our families had come together to Dan’s house that cold day to celebrate Christmas.
Lily’s soft voice cut through her reminiscence. “Elle Lee Marshall, why are you staring at Dan while smiling and looking dreamy?” She giggled.
|It was interesting. Usually people don't pay much attention to character descriptions, but you almost gave too much too soon. You don't explain who the psychopath is or whether it's the boyfriend. I felt a little confused by this. |
Use either small or petite--both are redundant. The same goes for the friends. In a different context you can use the synonym. Don't overload the description--keep it spare so the story continues to flow smoothly.